like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
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[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Cartman: Respect my
a a
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*