Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order