[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
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I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting