When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.