A baby bear catches snowflakes.
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[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.