You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
tis the season
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.