When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
(Gaming support cat.)
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.