My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
You Might Also Like
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
DOOO EEEET
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.