When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
PLEASE READ
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.