I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
stop
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*