I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!