*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
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(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.