[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
translated into Canadian
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible