I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Taking phone security to the next level.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.