She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999