Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Saturday
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.