A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I’d hang this in my house.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain