ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
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Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”