State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
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im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”