To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
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hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds