I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
HOW DARE YOU
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”