German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
how it started vs how it ended
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
So creative 😂
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*