[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way