Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
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My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?