8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Cndnsd Mlk
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review