The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
You Might Also Like
79.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.