Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
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Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?