I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.