I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
You Might Also Like
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
We need more people like this.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
what the
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
This guy’s not having it 😆