Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
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[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry