New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
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What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
How it started: How it’s going:
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.