I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
You Might Also Like
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Would you wear it?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??