Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
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alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.