Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
when there are deer in the woods
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.