[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
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The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.