Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
She puts the hot in psychotic
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Spotted in New Orleans.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Not😆🤣
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”