Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”