ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
You Might Also Like
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF