When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”