I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.