Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out