me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
You Might Also Like
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
But that’s none of my business
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I needed a laugh this morning.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Quadruple digit IQ
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.