(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]