My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
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Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My birthstone is kidney
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .