Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.