I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.