Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
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how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Coffee for people with no kids