Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
eating my hot dog hamburger style
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…