Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
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Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.