In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
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I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
incredible
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures